Project 4

Here, There, and Everywhere

November 2023

I live my life as if I can be in multiple places at once. I will accept almost any plans with friends or time with family barring my own schedule or preoccupations. I struggle to say “no”. I try in vain to do what will make the most people happy. I create the expectation for myself that I have the time for all the lunch dates or meetings in the world while maintaining my busy life at school which includes writing an upcoming undergraduate thesis. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. I would stretch myself thin so as not to have to deal with saying a strong “no” to something that I may not want to do. Sure, I have had some success with this chaos––and that’s why I continue to overwhelm my schedule. But it also leads to a great amount of indecisiveness, anxiety, and unneeded stress. I have made a tendency to think about others before thinking about myself––and while I do consider that to be a virtue of mine, it causes me more harm than necessary.

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Every decision––even sometimes deciding what I will eat for dinner––seems to tear at me more than it needs to. I fear making the wrong choice. It happens enough in the most trivial matters, but when looking forward to my life after graduation, I see nothing but a lot of choices.

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I have always liked to stall my future. Time itself has proven to be my most formidable opponent in life. These past years in college, I have enjoyed delaying any thoughtful consideration of my future. Even upon hearing the words “career fair”, I thought I was getting hives, and choosing a major was put on hold for just about as long as I could. It all felt too real. Something that I was never ready for. I stalled the world of college since high school, and now I am stalling the imminence of the real world inside of the world of college. Time moves quickly, and I see that there is no choice but to begin to embrace the coming changes in my life.

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The first move that I have made towards my future is applying for a Fulbright scholarship to teach English in Portugal in the year after I graduate. Being a highly competitive grant, this is certainly not something I can wholeheartedly bet on. I see myself wanting to be abroad in Europe after my graduation. It certainly is wonderful to picture. If the Fulbright does not work out, though, there are other teaching options abroad. I have found the CIEE (Council for International Educational Exchange), where I would be able to teach English in Madrid. I will receive notice about my Fulbright application in late January and can then apply to other programs like the CIEE if necessary for their March 1st deadline. With that decision at the base, there are several worries that come from making that change to Europe.

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I have a strong foundation in life––one that I am endlessly grateful for. I have lifelong friends from my hometown, and a very caring and supportive group of family members who have helped me reach where I am today. Nearly all of my direct and extended family are based in my hometown. My presence is wanted at home, and that makes leaving difficult. I have grandparents who are getting older and a great-grandmother who is now one hundred and one years old. These kinds of things make it hard to think about going so far away, although it is something to be excited about.

After graduating from UMass in 2023, my girlfriend is now getting her master’s degree at the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands. She plans to stay in Europe and work for a period afterward. Our relationship is extremely healthy and communicative. The new long distance is a staggering change, but we have proven our ability to make it work easily regardless. It is something I feel confident in going forward. Of course, we want more than anything to be closer together, but as we move forward into adulthood, we acknowledge that our own personal aspirations and goals come first. We support one another relentlessly and understand that we will soon have the opportunity for a more stable romantic life in the future.

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In many fond summer memories during high school, I would sit at my local park with a group of friends and talk for hours each day. We talked extensively about the future, while those present moments felt infinite. We were bonded so well that we could not imagine a life where we were not connected in some way, personally, professionally, or creatively. We wondered how we could start a restaurant, make films, coach soccer, or teach at a school together. It was usually talked about jokingly but carried a serious tone that hinted at our desire to be moving through life together in some way.

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            Many of my friends are creative thinkers. They are courageous and willing to do what they can to follow their passions. They have recently begun talks of moving to New York or Boston together, to work in bartending or restaurant jobs while they pursue their musical and filmmaking endeavors. Coming out of school with a degree, there is the pressure of using it: finding a job that instantly gratifies the money put towards the degree. That notion seems to stifle many artistic ventures.

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Here, the issue of location comes to the forefront. Being in Europe, of course, would take me away from my friends as they look to convene and live together after graduation. They have been integral to my development and my young life, and being separated from them would be an extremely difficult transition to make in my life. It is not so much about joining in on the creative filmmaking or musical projects that I may be missing by going to Europe, but rather the comfort and sense of fulfillment that I have when I am surrounded by such caring and thoughtful friends. I do sincerely feel that they are a necessary part of my sense of completeness in the same way that my family or my partner is.

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If I could stretch myself to multiple places, two groups of people at once, I would. Or I would take everyone close to me––my friends, my family, my girlfriend––and bring them where I can have all the favorable aspects of social and professional life. But that isn’t possible. The distance severs that opportunity. No matter what is to come for post-graduation, I will have to be distanced from one or more of these groups in some sense. I can no longer hold onto the false belief that I can make things work exactly how I want on all ends.

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I do not know how long my time in Europe would be. I may go to teach for a year, but a year could turn into a longer time––new opportunities, new jobs, new interests.  That would be time from my family––my parents who want the best for me––who would be sad to have me away from home for such a long time. It would be a time away from my friends who desire my presence and company being with them. Would I feel like I am letting them down by being away? It is a challenging leap for me to take, but being in Europe while I am young is something I have envisioned for myself for several years now, barring whether my partner is there or not. I will be closer to her, at least now in the same region, but by applying to teach in Portugal or Spain, I will be forced to adapt to a life in which I don’t have easy access to my family, friends, or girlfriend.

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The experience of teaching English abroad will be very valuable in many ways. I will experience a new part of the world, a new culture, a new life. But, for that next year, it will come at a cost. It will find me out alone, far out of my comfort zone, trying and capture again the amazing space that I created in Massachusetts, somewhere else. There will be new friends to make, and new opportunities to be had. It is both terrifying and exciting.

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As an English and Film student, and with a similar vigor for the same things as my friends, I have questioned exactly what way my path will bend toward in terms of a career after my youthful adventures. At UMass, I have felt more and more invested in studying literature and cinema. I have begun to imagine a career in which I pursue graduate school, becoming a professor and teaching at the college level, doing research about these arts that I have felt so driven by. I have a hard time imagining myself being so motivated in another career since I can picture myself working with what I love the most.

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The idea of getting a Ph.D. and becoming a professor has been contested by the state of academia today. The challenge of job security in the field given the difficulty in acquiring the degree has made me think twice about entering graduate school so soon. It has made me slightly weary, despite being something I certainly can see in my future.

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             After teaching in Europe, I would like to get my master’s degree in Comparative Literature. Of course, again the question of location comes: where will I do that? It may be in Europe or America, but that is something that will only be answered when the time comes to apply for a program. Thinking after that? I could see myself entering the realm of journalism or editing after my master’s, taking some time in the workforce to finally decide whether I would like to pursue that Ph.D.

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There is only so much planning into the future that one can do. I will always keep my options open––susceptible to change. Of course, only time can tell. I have been fortunate enough to have been granted such a stable and fulfilling base of people in my life who are willing to provide unwavering support for me no matter what path I take. Sure, my fear of making the wrong choices is valid. However, not everything is going to go exactly how I want, or how I expect. Some things really will be the wrong choice for me. Perhaps I will not take to teaching, or graduate school may prove too much for me. Whatever obstacles I will encounter going forward, I am confident in my growing ability to understand and act on what is best for me.

            When I do end up stretching myself thin for others, I find that I lose out on the present moment. I can spend so much time analyzing what decisions I have made in the past, or what ones I might make in the future. I really cannot be in multiple places at once, although I have tried hard to be so my whole life. I can’t be everywhere, but I can be in one place. Wherever I end up, whoever I am with, whatever I end up doing––I will be there, with everything that backs me and makes me who I am as my support. I will always have that.